An old friend of mine lost her husband a few months ago. He’d been ill for years and she nursed him at home till the end. But unfortunately, at the moment of his death, she was actually out of the room making herself a hot drink.

She is really unhappy about this and feels she failed him.  

This is a tragic situation.

I know that most people who have been present when a loved one slips away feel grateful they witnessed the final moments. And I feel desperately sorry for anyone who missed the passing of someone special during Covid because of the regulations of that time.

No wonder many of them feel cheated and angry. But their absence of course was most definitely not their fault. 

My old friend on the other hand blames herself entirely for not being at the bedside as her husband stopped breathing. And this is haunting her.    

Now, I knew her spouse and through the years of his illness he never stopped telling people how marvellous she was and how he could not have felt more loved or cared for.

But despite this, she remains convinced that she let him down. I have tried to convince her that she might begin to feel better if she can only show herself some compassion.  

Very many men and women become more tough on themselves as they age – particularly as their bodies and minds become less robust.

They are also overly critical of themselves about how often they visit friends or siblings when they’re ill. 

Are you hard on yourself? Do you berate yourself if you forget things? Do you feel less useful than you were? Less decisive perhaps? And do you tell yourself you’re being a nuisance to younger family members or friends? Or that you’re not helpful enough to the individuals you love? 

If you are saying “yes” to some of these questions, then you probably need some self-compassion too. 

Can I point out that authentic, loving regard for yourself is a major plank of good mental health. So, it’s in your interests to be more tender and caring towards yourself while you face the challenges of the period of life we’re going through.    

So, for instance, if our knees, hips, feet, or shoulders are causing us problems, let’s try and remember that all our body parts – unless we’ve had surgical replacements – are the same age as we are!

This means they’ve been through a hell of a lot. Let’s therefore summon up some kindness for these poorly bits. If we’re compassionate to ourselves when we’re hurt or in pain, we’ll have a better chance of healing quickly. 

Something else to note is that self-compassion can help to increase our happiness and sense of well-being and boost our self-esteem as well as decrease stress. 

However, I do realise that this sort of personal kindness doesn’t come easily for a lot of folk. If this is true of you, may I suggest that you give some thought to how you treat others. Would you be as harsh on anyone you’re fond of if they made a mistake, or became less fit, or sustained an injury? I don’t think so.  So why are you so unforgiving and critical of yourself?

How about deciding here and now that you will stop being harder on yourself than you would be on others? 

This applies to past events too. You often hear older adults say that they’re not proud of some of the stuff they did decades ago.

Perhaps they feel they were off hand with their parents. Or not grateful enough for everything that was done for them. Maybe they harbour memories of breaking someone’s heart in an early romance that they ended.  

As I’ve said before in this column, you can’t change the past, but you can change how you think about it.

When you were younger maybe you didn’t have the communication skills or confidence to find appropriate words or put things right if you mistreated someone. What you need to remember is that few of us ever set out to be bad or unkind. Usually, we are acting in a way that seems OK to us at the time.

So cut yourself some slack here.

Admit your errors to yourself but also give due consideration and understanding to who you were and what your capabilities were back then. You can of course also vow never to behave that way again.   

We’re only human. Making mistakes is all part of that condition.

But if, like my old friend, you find it hard to forgive yourself for something that happened, try listing all the good things you did during that distressing situation. Hopefully you will see that the number of positives outnumbered the negatives. 

You did your best. That’s all any of us can do. So be kind to yourself.